12 Oct 06
Current mood: Horrible It's been 3 months and 3 days. October 12th 2006 was the most horrible day in my life so far. I can't imagine I could ever experience anything that bad again. Although from time to time I think of what could have happened, I tend to dwell on what did happen and definitely on what should have happened. People think that 'should' and 'could' are always the same. Unfortunately the difference haunts me nearly every night. I should have been in the back of the truck. I should have been on the radio like I always am. I should have died. Instead Sgt. Hawkins did. We even talked about it before mission, but he said I should take a break from the radios, and I didn't tell him no. I should have seen the IED. Two 122mm mortar rounds hanging from a light pole, who in their right minds couldn't see that? What haunts me most about that night aren't the events that took place, but the fact that I lived by a smaller margin than anyone can ever measure, a decision. As I held him in my arms all I could say for a time was that it should have been me. And now that's all that occupies my mind. I held him as he drew his last breath and sat helpless to stop anything. I put my hands inside his body to stop the bleeding, but there was no blood left in him. I always used to say that I'm not afraid of anything. In fact it had been a very long time since I felt fear, but I had two more missions after that night. On each one I was terrified. I've never been so blindly terrified if my life. I was frozen in fear and screaming on the inside. The days when I retreat into the mountains or sit at home with my phone off will no longer be a mystery to anyone. I'm reliving those moments over and over in my head. The blast, the blood all over me, being left behind, coming home, seeing my family, Amanda, Deserae. Every moment I am alive is one more moment that I stole from Sgt. Hawkins." -AJ TIFFANY | 
